In his book The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren says, “Many fellowships have been sabotaged by fear: No one had the courage to speak up in the group while a member’s life fell apart.” He also says that because of a lack of confrontation “thousands of fellowships have been destroyed.” Now, when I use the word “confrontation,” I am not referring to lashing out at someone in accusation and blame; but rather, sitting down and peacefully talking things out, working toward resolution and unity.
Warren says, “Many church fellowships and small groups remain superficial because they are afraid of conflict. Whenever an issue comes up that might cause tension or discomfort, it is immediately glossed over in order to preserve a false sense of peace. Mr. ‘Don’t Rock the Boat’ jumps in and tries to smooth everyone’s ruffled feathers, the issue is never resolved, and everyone lives with an underlying frustration. Everyone knows about the problem, but no one talks about it openly. This,” Warren emphasizes, “creates a sick environment of secrets where gossip thrives.”
The Bible shares “four important steps to conflict resolution.” Step One is found in James 5:16, which says, “Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” Before ever approaching someone about a matter, we need to bathe the situation in prayer; perhaps for a few weeks, or maybe even a few months.
Billy Graham once said, “Hot heads and cold hearts never solved anything.” Prayer is a vital part of reconciliation, for God works through prayer to prepare both our heart and the heart of our perceived adversary. We can’t confront someone in anger or resentment and expect to solve anything at all.
Steps two through four are found in Matthew 18:15-17. Listen as I share Step Two from Matthew 18:15: “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.” When you finally feel led to talk with an individual, it should be done between you and him alone. Keep in mind, however, that you should never confront someone of the opposite sex alone, and the same can be said about an adult confronting a minor.
Listen as I share Step Three from Matthew 18:16: “But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established’.” This verse says that if your brother or sister refuses to resolve matters that you must try to reason with them again; only this time, taking along a witness. Maybe the other person will see that he or she does indeed have a problem when it’s realized that more than one individual agrees with us.
Listen as I share Step Four from Matthew 18:17: “And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” This verse says that if the individual refuses to settle a matter, even after being confronted by two concerned believers, that he should be treated as a heathen or tax collector. This means the person should be ignored, or perhaps even shunned, until he repents and comes into alignment with God’s Word.
Now on the subject of shunning; I understand that some people view this notion as archaic, and perhaps even unloving and un-Christ-like. Keep in mind, however, the words of Paul: “If anyone does not obey our word in this epistle, note that person and do not keep company with him, that he may be ashamed. Yet do not count him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother” (2 Thessalonians 3:14-15).
In any conflict situation we must keep in mind Ephesians 6:12, which states, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood.” We need to approach every attempt at confrontation and reconciliation with humility and compassion toward our brother or sister in Christ, keeping in mind the very real fact that he or she might not know what they are doing. Perhaps the individual is just L.U.I., or rather, Living Under the Influence; that is, the influence of sin and the world.